Ever since the day I entered kindergarten, I was a worker. While I was in school, I strove to excel. I had always wanted to be a doctor and knew that I had to be exceptional to get into medical school. So I didn't go to parties, I studied and read, and I learned anything and everything I could.
In college (Go Capital) I was a TA and LA for multiple science classes while carrying a full course load. I worked during the summer at the Summer Institute helping with Organic Chem lab (which I loved), lecturing for a few pre-labs, and tutoring. Sometimes I wish I had known how much I was going to love Chemistry; I would have majored in it rather than Biology, but that's another story entirely.
Then came medical school and residency. Learning medicine is in and of itself a full time job, and residency takes work to a whole new level. I started practicing medicine right after I graduated and practiced for another 5 years.
Then all hell broke loose. I got pregnant, lost my job, got in trouble for writing prescriptions for my husband's migraines, lost my license, and couldn't find a job to save my life. I was hospitalized twice for depression, in outpatient treatment three times, and have gone through countless hours of therapy. I essentially broke down. For the last five years I've been a housewife. Initially it was difficult but I've settled into a groove and have become comfortable.
The other day Tim asked me how much money I'd need to put together a proper work wardrobe. In other words, "since you can go back to work now, you need a wardrobe." The prospect of doing some serious clothes shopping is exciting; the idea of working fills me with dread.
I am bogged down with questions: what if, psychologically, I can't handle it? What if I've forgotten so much that I make serious mistakes? Everyone wants me to go back to medicine, but I don't want to practice, so what do I do? I haven't worked for 5 years; am I cut out for work anymore? I am so scared, no, make that terrified, that I become frozen in my tracks whenever I try to make a positive move in the work direction. And this from a former professional gal who was damn good at what she did.
So how do I get through this and move on? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I suppose my dream of supporting my family off of my blog isn't going to come to fruition, so that means I have to get a job outside of my house. How did you working moms handle the fear, if you had it?