When your husband is scared

I LOVE my husband. It's a solid, quiet love. It's not crazy, shake the rafters and stare at each other in total awe love (although that does happen occasionally); instead, it's mature and happy and solid.

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For those of you who are newer readers, about 3 years ago, my husband was hit by one of those huge passenger trucks while he was riding a moped. He was going straight through a green light, the truck didn't yield and turned left directly into him. He was thrown 20 feet and his lower left leg was completely shattered. He was rushed into emergency surgery to reconstruct the bones in his leg and after 6ish hours of surgery he emerged with many plates, screws, stitches, and skin grafts holding his leg together.

His recovery was incredibly bad. His pain was impossible to control and he spent 2 weeks in the hospital and a month in an aftercare facility. It took him months after that before he could walk anywhere; we still have a wheelchair ramp going up to our front door. But very slowly he improved to the point that he could walk with a custom leg brace and a cane.

Then 6 months ago he started to fall. For no reason his leg would give out and he would fall out. Several times a week. And it hurt a great deal. A trip to the orthopedist revealed a large bone cyst in his knee and severe arthritis. He needed a knee replacement but the regular orthopedists had no clue how to do it.


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Enter Dr. Bruce French, trauma orthopedist extraordinaire. CT scans that he ordered revealed that Tim was missing a significant sliver of bone in the middle of his lower leg. The plan was to remove all of his hardware, do a bone graft, and then once that healed (time frame unknown), he would need a knee replacement. Tim wanted nothing to do with this. The pain that he had experienced before was too great. He would be above the pain and continue with life.

Until 2 weeks ago when he heard a pop in his leg, swelling in a new area (where there is a plate) occurred) and he could no longer place any weight on his leg. For the past two weeks he's had to lay in bed. And go out of his mind with cabin fever. At an emergency appointment with Dr. French on Friday, he finally agreed to surgery, and will go under the knife this Wednesday.


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To say that he is stunned is putting it mildly. He is terrified. He keeps trying to convince himself and me that he doesn't need the surgery. But then the pain returns and his leg gives out. And he realizes it has to happen.

When I heard that surgery was going to happen, I wanted to pick him up and hold him like a baby. I wanted to take away all of the fear. I prayed to turn into that nurse in Harry Potter and be able to give him a horrible tasting medicine that would grow his bones back. I felt useless and like I should be able to do something to make t all better, but I couldn't. Have you ever received news and were immediately struck by total exhaustion? I was at that moment.

For the last two days I have been in cuddle my husband mode. I have been holed up in the bedroom with him just to be with him. I don't want him to be alone. I want to do everything I can to keep his mind off of the upcoming surgery. I want to take his fear away and embody it, to deal with is pain, to give him respite.


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Then I realized that he has God for that. Paul told us in God's good word "Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Corintians 4:16-18) No matter what Tim experiences in this world, it is all transient, never everlasting, and the things beyond life will be more glorious and brilliant than we can ever imagine.

Still, I hope this operation makes his time in this life less painful and much more bearable. Because when your husband is scared and you love him more that you can ever say, what more could you wish for?

One of Those Days

So my day started as One of Those Days. I should let you know that I have been hit with the doldrums in a big way. This morning, I woke up, promptly got peed on by Will (ah, the joys of motherhood), and decided it was time to lock myself in the bathroom with a magazine and a steamy hot bath.

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I got caught up in my magazine. It is the September Vogue - 20 gajillion pages of fashion - and before I knew it, the bathtub was overflowing. I looked at the floor and it didn't look all that wet. So I went back to reading about NYC's Fashion's Night Out.

About 10 minutes later, I am roused out of my fashion revelry by frantic knocking on the door by my husband. "I have to get in!!! Unlock the door! The basement it flooded and I have to figure out why!" SO I look at the floor again, and this time I see water all over the floor. Lots of it. And my husband it still hysterically telling me to let him in.

So in my calmest, most chastened voice, I answer, "Well, um, Tim, you see, the tub kind of overflowed, and I think that's why there's water in the basement."

"The tub overflowed and you did nothing about it?!"

"Tim," at this point, my irritation is beginning to show, "I didn't know it was that bad! If I had known it was that bad, don't you think I would have done something about it?"

"Well, all I know is that the basement is all wet and now you're telling me you overflowed the tub and you didn't even clean it up??"


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So I got out of the tub, feeling totally like a 5 year old who is being scolded by her dad, and grabbed towels and sopped up the (very wet) floor. And I opened the door and threw a towel at Tim because there was water leaking into our bedroom.

"Thanks for making me feel like a child!" I yelled, slammed the door, and got back into the tub. I'm sure Tim rolled his eyes. He rolls his eyes when he's frustrated.

I'm here to tell you that this could have been handled much better. And I'm not talking about how Tim handled it - I'm responsible for the words that come out of my mouth, not his. He was just trying to figure out why there was water filling up the basement.


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So, after I got out of the house and cooled down a bit, I went to the Bible. I needed to put some sort of positive spin on this whole experience, because, I gotta tell you, when I'm not doing well depression wise, I can turn into a pit viper. I don't like being a pit viper. I like it when people say "Oh, that Erin, she's just the nicest!" What I found had nothing to do with an overflowing bathtub, or even treating your husband with respect and treating your wife like Christ treats the church. But I love it.

Psalm 133
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

2 It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.

3 It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

David had his issues. We could start with a certain woman bathing on a roof, David getting a major jones, and sending her husband into the front lines of battle assuring his death. Yet David recognized that God's blessing is bestowed upon all of us, covering our heads, faces, and collars like anointing oil, giving us life forevermore. And through Christ, all of those rituals of the Old Testament that David had to go through to assure his atonement were washed away just by our belief and love for Him. That love for him then seeps out of us, like that pesky overflowing water, touching everyone we encounter. Our love for Christ gives us the opportunity to wash others clean.

"Awaken me from my sleep
And open up my weary eyes
Move me from my complacency
And bring my soul back to life

Won't You take this heart and mind
And help me to believe?

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean"

Shawn McDonald
Wash Me Clean


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I would be totally remiss if I didn't thank Christy for featuring my "Puff Balls" notecard on her blog Just Thinkin' in pictures. Her blog is chock full of inspiration and gorgeous photos and I'm honored to have been one of her chosen artists.

A Lesson in Anger

I did not have a good day the last two days. Not the type of days that you want to be sharing your soul on the internet. My husband and I were fighting constantly. Screaming, bitter, angry fights with tears on my end and lots of door slamming on his. And I have to say that it started over a little thing and blew up into something else entirely. Not fun at all.

I let the sun go down twice on my anger. In Ephesians it says never to do that. And boy oh boy, did the devil gain his foothold. You should have heard the thoughts going through my head and the curses hurled at my husband (on second thought, it's better that you didn't). We've never had a period where we fought for days; we've always made it a point to put it to bed before we go to bed. But I wasn't willing to let this one go before HE GOT MY POINT!

There's a reason why the word of God is there for us to refer to. The advice in it is spot on. Not only did I dream of fighting with Tim, but I woke up angry and shaky. Which made everything he said to me just hit that raw nerve Just So. Let the screaming begin again.

Hopefully we (I) will have learned from this. I don't ever want to repeat the feelings and anger of the last few days. I think that a lot of what came up was stuff that had been stewing for a while, but still, Never go to bed on angry thoughts. God knew what he was talking about. And bless Paul for writing it all down.

My lovely husband has returned with a dryer! It needs some work - but it will dry clothes! Yay! So the anger saga has ended, and on with life.

Photos from Beauty In Everything and We Heart It

Walk to Emmaus

My husband is attending the Central Ohio Walk to Emmaus this weekend. I am so excited for him. Those of you that have done one know what I am talking about; those of you that haven't need to get to your nearest Methodist Church and sign up for one.

The Walk is a 72-hour spiritual retreat designed to open your eyes to the grace, love, and forgiveness that Christ has given us. It is based on the following scripture (Luke 24:13 - 35):



Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles[a] from Jerusalem. They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

He asked them, "What are you discussing together as you walk along?"

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, "Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

"What things?" he asked.

"About Jesus of Nazareth," they replied. "He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see."

He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?" And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus acted as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them.

When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. They asked each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?"

They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together and saying, "It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon." Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread.


adorkable22, photobucket

I lived for a long time with eyes bleary from the world. I didn't see God's love, grace, mercy, even though I knew deep down in my being that it existed. So much had happened, where was God for me? The Walk to Emmaus teaches us that he is there, even when we don't recognize him. Are your eyes open?