Be The Man Your Wife Wants and Children Need (guest Post from Dustin Christian)

The first of my Dad Bloggers Is 32 year old Dustin Christian, author of Daddy Geek: Raising the Dungeonmasters of Tomorrow. He currently resides in Gulfport, MS with wife Rhonda Gail and children Jude, 5 (from another marraige), Nick, 5 (Rhonda's, but his in every other way), and Harper, 2 and Quentin who is due later this month. Dustin has been blogging off and on for eight years and Daddy Geek is his fourth or fifth blog. According to Dustin, “DaddyGeek goes through phases. Sometimes it’s more Daddy, other times more Geek. Other times both fade into the background and it’s just about Dustin Christian. And sometimes it’s all about the boys. Nick makes the most appearances, mainly because he’s the oldest and thus most lessons are learned with him. “ I hope you enjoy his wonderful post!

Be The Man Your Wife Wants and Children Need

My wife has lost count of the times she's been told "Wow, I wish my husband would do that." My wife is envied, and an envied wife is a happy wife that appreciates her husband and lets him do things like attempt a freelance writing business from home because his dream is to make a living slinging words while he sits in his underwear and drinks beer.

I benefit from not being normal, is what I'm saying.

To be completely honest, I don't understand why I'm seen as unusual or a freak. I honestly don't know how I could be any other kind of husband and father than what I am - this really does seem brain-numbingly simple to me.

But everyone grows up with different value systems and different ideals about what a man should be, so I decided to lay out what is working for me, in the hopes that it could help some of you.

Take what you can use, leave the rest, your mileage may vary, choose your disclaimer. Hopefully you can use some of this and make your home-life a little easier to manage.

Forget Conformity.

Conformity for the sake of fitting in is for the weak-minded and weaker-willed. If your plans happen to follow the norm or conforming will achieve your goals, so be it. If conformity is holding you back from what you need or want? Forget. Conformity. Conformity is for sheeple. I don't wear a woolly coat and I'm not raising my boys to bleat.

Forget all the macho crap, lose the ego, and be a true partner.

Your concepts of "a woman's work" and wearing the pants in your family will get you nowhere. It's fine to have spheres of responsibility based on what your strengths, but be ready to step up and help with "her" responsibilities without restraint.

What's your alternative? Have things not get done and then fight about it?

Remember with whom you'll be spending the rest of your life and prioritize accordingly.

These first three really tie together. A lot of you will receive push-back from your friends and possibly even other husbands. You may be called whipped. You may be teased for going home to spend time with your kids instead of going to the bar and watching the game with your buddies. Other husbands may complain that you make them look bad.

To hell with them.

You are not married to your friends. Hopefully, at least one or two will still visit you when you're incontinent, but you don't go home to them every night. You will not grow old beside your friends. Your friends will not pick your nursing home or buy you Fathers' Day gifts. Your friends will not take care of you when you're sick.

And, to be frank (why stop now?), if other husbands aren't willing to step up their game, that's on them. Why make their problems your problem?

Change some diapers, especially the ones with a "surprise."

This ties into the first rule, but really deserves a spot of its own since my wife has shown more appreciation for this than almost anything else I do, ever.

I'm not really bothered by a diaper full of poop, and I'm even less bothered after five years of diaper changes, but nobody actually likes the (literal) crap job. I change 95 percent of the poopy diapers in our house, but you don't have to go that far. Taking one for the team even a third of the time will garner much appreciation from your wife.

Learn to cook.

Like changing diapers, you don't have to do this all the time. Just knowing that asking you to make dinner is an option will make your partner's life easier. When I stayed home with the boys, I cooked most meals. Now that we both work, my wife cooks more often than not. But she loves being able to ask me to make dinner or even just do all the prep work if it's needed.
Very little real work, major benefits.

LISTEN.

This is the most underused skill in our society today. Not just in marriages and parenthood, but life in general. People don't listen to what others are saying, they just wait for their turn to talk.
It is essential that you listen to your wife and kids. Listen to and understand their needs, their concerns, their fears, their joys, and their annoyances. You'd be amazed at how much easier your life and relationships can be if you take 5 minutes to really listen to and understand the people around you.

Also, never stop working on this.

Missing the ball game won't kill you.

Dude, I get it. It's been a long day, you're tired and you just want to sit back with a beer and watch some football. Or baseball. Or basketball. Or mud wrestling. It doesn't really matter. The point is that you just want to check out and relax for a while.

Here's the thing, though. Your kids adore you. It's a miracle and makes no sense, but no matter what you do, you are your children's hero. And they're dying to play with you or show you what they drew or tell you about the smelly kid in their class. They need some of your time. And, before you know it, they'll be too busy with their own lives to idolize you like this. They'll have their own lives and own interests and you'll be dying for their time but they just want to check out and listen to the new Deathmole album.

Time is a non-renewable resource. You'll never get another shot at spending today with your family, so carpe the fuck out of that diem.

Learn to appreciate cartoons

There will be days when your kids will want nothing more than to just sit on your lap, check out, and watch cartoons. Find the good ones, your sanity will thank you. And your kids will thank you when you're actually able to sit through that crap.

I'm a big fan of Phineas and Ferb, I can watch that all day. Ruby from Max and Ruby and Peppa from Peppa Pig make me crave pork and rabbit stew. The Wonder Pets creep me out. Batman: The Brave and The Bold is a godsend.

Choose wisely.

Reconnect with your inner child

Kids have the best games. Do not be so caught up with being an adult that you can't enjoy this.

Tell them embellished versions of the Three Little Pigs. Make up an entirely new story. Build a Lego diorama of the Battle at Helm's Deep. Draw silly pictures of your annoying boss. Try to explain how George Lucas could make such a mess out of Star Wars. Race your cardboard box cars around the house.Let your kids ride you around the house. If they're small enough, turn your laundry basket into their flying car.

Have fun. There are major health benefits, besides making your kids happy.

Let your wife sleep in once in a while.

Moms are some of the world's most sleep-deprived people. When surgical residents complain about their long hours and going days without sleep, mothers - especially mothers of newborns - laugh and call them pussies. Dads don't really get enough sleep, either, but we're able to let go at some point and trust that our kids can't get into too much trouble locked in their rooms. Moms will wake up if a floorboard creaks. In the house next door.

So, the next weekend that it is humanly possible, tell your wife to sleep in, pour the kids and yourself some cereal, snuggle up on the couch, and watch some cartoons. Your wife will be happier from sleep and you'll have picked up some quality time with your kids.

Look, all of this may not be for you. Your wife may not like sleeping in. She may be weird and enjoy changing diapers. Your kids may have reached the point where they like watching the game just as much as you. That's awesome.

But hopefully you'll have found something useful here, or - even better - maybe I inspired you to find your own method to step up your game as a husband and father.

Dad Days - Your Posts Needed

I had an interesting discussion with some fellow bloggers on Triberr the other day about how overlooked Dad Bloggers feel in the blogosphere. I've always suspected that Dad Bloggers were under-appreciated; the discussion gave me the confirmation that I needed. And that led me to thinking about how the role of Dad has, in general, seemed to become more and more under-appreciated these days. That's why I'm dedicating these pages over the next few weeks to the other half of the parenting equation, our fathers. I'll tell you tomorrow about some great dad bloggers that you may not know about; some of them will be contributing posts to Dropped Stitches. I'll talk about my father figures and other issues I've noticed; I am, however, turning most of this over to the men as they have the best insight on what it is to be a father.

If you are a dad blogger (or a dad who blogs) who I've not yet met and would like to contribute to the blog, you can contact me on twitter @erinswallace or email me your post idea to ktcwmom@gmail.com. If you are a woman who would like to talk about the father figures in your life you may do the same. I'm excited about these next few weeks and hope to have you all along for the journey.

When your husband is scared

I LOVE my husband. It's a solid, quiet love. It's not crazy, shake the rafters and stare at each other in total awe love (although that does happen occasionally); instead, it's mature and happy and solid.

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For those of you who are newer readers, about 3 years ago, my husband was hit by one of those huge passenger trucks while he was riding a moped. He was going straight through a green light, the truck didn't yield and turned left directly into him. He was thrown 20 feet and his lower left leg was completely shattered. He was rushed into emergency surgery to reconstruct the bones in his leg and after 6ish hours of surgery he emerged with many plates, screws, stitches, and skin grafts holding his leg together.

His recovery was incredibly bad. His pain was impossible to control and he spent 2 weeks in the hospital and a month in an aftercare facility. It took him months after that before he could walk anywhere; we still have a wheelchair ramp going up to our front door. But very slowly he improved to the point that he could walk with a custom leg brace and a cane.

Then 6 months ago he started to fall. For no reason his leg would give out and he would fall out. Several times a week. And it hurt a great deal. A trip to the orthopedist revealed a large bone cyst in his knee and severe arthritis. He needed a knee replacement but the regular orthopedists had no clue how to do it.


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Enter Dr. Bruce French, trauma orthopedist extraordinaire. CT scans that he ordered revealed that Tim was missing a significant sliver of bone in the middle of his lower leg. The plan was to remove all of his hardware, do a bone graft, and then once that healed (time frame unknown), he would need a knee replacement. Tim wanted nothing to do with this. The pain that he had experienced before was too great. He would be above the pain and continue with life.

Until 2 weeks ago when he heard a pop in his leg, swelling in a new area (where there is a plate) occurred) and he could no longer place any weight on his leg. For the past two weeks he's had to lay in bed. And go out of his mind with cabin fever. At an emergency appointment with Dr. French on Friday, he finally agreed to surgery, and will go under the knife this Wednesday.


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To say that he is stunned is putting it mildly. He is terrified. He keeps trying to convince himself and me that he doesn't need the surgery. But then the pain returns and his leg gives out. And he realizes it has to happen.

When I heard that surgery was going to happen, I wanted to pick him up and hold him like a baby. I wanted to take away all of the fear. I prayed to turn into that nurse in Harry Potter and be able to give him a horrible tasting medicine that would grow his bones back. I felt useless and like I should be able to do something to make t all better, but I couldn't. Have you ever received news and were immediately struck by total exhaustion? I was at that moment.

For the last two days I have been in cuddle my husband mode. I have been holed up in the bedroom with him just to be with him. I don't want him to be alone. I want to do everything I can to keep his mind off of the upcoming surgery. I want to take his fear away and embody it, to deal with is pain, to give him respite.


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Then I realized that he has God for that. Paul told us in God's good word "Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Corintians 4:16-18) No matter what Tim experiences in this world, it is all transient, never everlasting, and the things beyond life will be more glorious and brilliant than we can ever imagine.

Still, I hope this operation makes his time in this life less painful and much more bearable. Because when your husband is scared and you love him more that you can ever say, what more could you wish for?

One of Those Days

So my day started as One of Those Days. I should let you know that I have been hit with the doldrums in a big way. This morning, I woke up, promptly got peed on by Will (ah, the joys of motherhood), and decided it was time to lock myself in the bathroom with a magazine and a steamy hot bath.

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I got caught up in my magazine. It is the September Vogue - 20 gajillion pages of fashion - and before I knew it, the bathtub was overflowing. I looked at the floor and it didn't look all that wet. So I went back to reading about NYC's Fashion's Night Out.

About 10 minutes later, I am roused out of my fashion revelry by frantic knocking on the door by my husband. "I have to get in!!! Unlock the door! The basement it flooded and I have to figure out why!" SO I look at the floor again, and this time I see water all over the floor. Lots of it. And my husband it still hysterically telling me to let him in.

So in my calmest, most chastened voice, I answer, "Well, um, Tim, you see, the tub kind of overflowed, and I think that's why there's water in the basement."

"The tub overflowed and you did nothing about it?!"

"Tim," at this point, my irritation is beginning to show, "I didn't know it was that bad! If I had known it was that bad, don't you think I would have done something about it?"

"Well, all I know is that the basement is all wet and now you're telling me you overflowed the tub and you didn't even clean it up??"


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So I got out of the tub, feeling totally like a 5 year old who is being scolded by her dad, and grabbed towels and sopped up the (very wet) floor. And I opened the door and threw a towel at Tim because there was water leaking into our bedroom.

"Thanks for making me feel like a child!" I yelled, slammed the door, and got back into the tub. I'm sure Tim rolled his eyes. He rolls his eyes when he's frustrated.

I'm here to tell you that this could have been handled much better. And I'm not talking about how Tim handled it - I'm responsible for the words that come out of my mouth, not his. He was just trying to figure out why there was water filling up the basement.


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So, after I got out of the house and cooled down a bit, I went to the Bible. I needed to put some sort of positive spin on this whole experience, because, I gotta tell you, when I'm not doing well depression wise, I can turn into a pit viper. I don't like being a pit viper. I like it when people say "Oh, that Erin, she's just the nicest!" What I found had nothing to do with an overflowing bathtub, or even treating your husband with respect and treating your wife like Christ treats the church. But I love it.

Psalm 133
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

2 It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.

3 It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

David had his issues. We could start with a certain woman bathing on a roof, David getting a major jones, and sending her husband into the front lines of battle assuring his death. Yet David recognized that God's blessing is bestowed upon all of us, covering our heads, faces, and collars like anointing oil, giving us life forevermore. And through Christ, all of those rituals of the Old Testament that David had to go through to assure his atonement were washed away just by our belief and love for Him. That love for him then seeps out of us, like that pesky overflowing water, touching everyone we encounter. Our love for Christ gives us the opportunity to wash others clean.

"Awaken me from my sleep
And open up my weary eyes
Move me from my complacency
And bring my soul back to life

Won't You take this heart and mind
And help me to believe?

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean"

Shawn McDonald
Wash Me Clean


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I would be totally remiss if I didn't thank Christy for featuring my "Puff Balls" notecard on her blog Just Thinkin' in pictures. Her blog is chock full of inspiration and gorgeous photos and I'm honored to have been one of her chosen artists.

My Husband is a Guy

My husband is coming home tonight from his grandmother's in Missouri. I thought I'd enjoy not having him around for a while, just having some me time, but I've missed him. I'm happy he's on his way back. He may be driving me batty by tomorrow, but right now, I want my man.

Before I got married, I had these visions of what falling in love and marriage would be like - you know, stuff like that amazing scene after Nickolas Cage falls in "City of Angels" and even "The Big Chill" formed my opinions. It would start with overwhelming oceans of love (which it did) and then progress to something comfortable (again, ditto) where he would think of me and buy me flowers (...) and take me on dates (...) and wear fashionable clothing and we would look natty and sophisticated as we drank in wine bars eating tapas.

So here's the thing. My husband is a guy. He likes sweats and jeans and tee shirts and ball caps. He wears a sleeveless undershirt every day. He reads and re-reads motorcycle magazines till he can quote them back word for word. Sometimes he gets, well, gamey (this, thankfully, never lasts long, or I would drag him to the shower and not for the un-family blog types of things he would be thinking). His mom is the one that buys me flowers. She knows I like them. He doesn't know what a tapa is, and if confronted with one, would most likely think that such a small piece of food is a waste of a clean plate. He doesn't like fancy restaurants. Big Boy is more his speed. His side of the bed is rather a mess and does not fit in with my decorating scheme. His fingernails often have oil under them and sometimes crude comments sort of ooze out of his mouth.

I'm convinced that Hollywood is part of the reason that some marraiges fail. Two people in love get married, the honeymoon fades, and suddenly the husband isn't like Sam from "Ghost" anymore. There are no Everly Brother's pottery wheel love moments where you get miraculously clean on the way to your pristine white couch for fabulous love making and moonbeams. Because we marry men. Not Hollywood movies. Sometimes you might get, like, a moment that is, what, .5% as fantastic as the "Ghost" moment and you feel like the whole earth shook because a moment that fantastic hasn't happened in a month. Cuz that's what the world is really like.

My daughter is stuck on the Hollywood love model. She doesn't quite get that her boyfriend, unless he develops insane Hollywood style love skills (we're talking wooing skills here, nothing more!) is never going to be as sensitive as Eric Bana in "The Time Traveler's Wife" (sigh). I keep telling her, "you are dating a guy, a really good guy, but a guy, and he's a teenaged guy at that! Give him a break! He hasn't drank the Hollywood love Kool-Aid, and chances are, he never will." She's understandably disappointed, but I think I'm getting through.

I married a guy. Not a Hollywood love interest. A normal man. And I've never once tried to change that - well, except for the gameyness - that I cannot abide by. And I do nag him about his messiness, but that has tapered off, too.

I love my guy. I will never eat a tapa with him, but patty melts taste better when he's around.

Photos from We Heart It and Deviant Art

Burning pictures

I've been trying to burn pictures into my brain with the cameras in my eyes

::you waking in the morning; the way you look at me

::your head on my tummy; your cheekbones

::the cats curled on their backs in the sun; light glinting off of soft fur; curled toes; half closed eyes

::bees lazy on the false indigo, gone for a week now; little orchid flowers; deep purple

::pictures of my grandparents; memories flood in; tears just barely held back

::the scars on your leg from the accident; new, but now a part of you

::you looking at me with eyes of trust and love; a little mischeif, too

::hair blowing with the window down; red, fiery, soft; bright smile and twirling thoughts

::cars lined up on the piano; keys as parking spaces

::the love in your smile

::the love

Photos from We Heart It

I Love: My Husband

Yarn Give Away here!

Today is my husband's birthday. We never really hit it big on birthdays; I bought him two Whoopie Pies, a bookmark, and an "I Love You" card.



We met on Yahoo Personals. Really. I saw his picture and something just clicked. He was the only person that I contacted (that didn't contact me). On our first date, I knew I would marry him. He says he knew the same thing about me. We made out like bandits for hours on that date. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to, but he did. But that's okay, since we've had plenty of time together since then!



I was 32 when we met. I never thought I'd ever fall in love, much less get married. I hadn't dated much, no one ever seemed interested in me (or I heard "You're just to smart, successful, intimidating, etc., for me"). Yes, I was the Big V when I met Tim, which is something amazing to have shared with him. I just couldn't figure out what the hack was so wrong with me that I never had dates and had no conceivable prospects. You know on those hyper-violent video games where people have limbs made of chainsaws or the like? Well, every time someone said to me, "He'll come along someday, you just have to be patient, and then you'll never know what hit you," I wanted to cut them in half with my chainsaw arm; I hated hearing that (for the millionth time) so much!



Then he did. And I didn't know what hit me. We've been married long enough now to have weathered some pretty major storms together; we've come out stronger as a couple. We've formed bonds as parents, friends, and lovers. He is my sexy mon (as I like to say). He is a wonderful Dad (I honestly think he would kill for his children or for me), a man with a heart that strives to be filled with the love of Jesus, and a person who would help you with anything he could.



He will be embarrassed by this post. And dislike the fact that I have placed pictures of him online. He doesn't like the attention. He's a very humble guy, but he would never admit any of these positive qualities about himself to anyone else. He's come a long way in his life; he is an amazing guy. I Love my Husband.