Joy

I have been in a funk, which I suppose is understandable. So today I have decided to focus on joy. For it is joy beyond all understanding that awaits us.

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Gratitude: What Are You Grateful For?

At this moment, I am grateful for:

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* Air conditioning - I can't imagine this heat wave without it and feel for those who are without

* Chocolate - when I am recovering from a migraine, I always crave chocolate. Maybe it's that love feeling that it give you.

* A toddler who tells me he loves me about 100 times a day

* Imitrex

* Cicada song - I love that sound

* God's grace - My thought life has been sucky of late; His grace sustains me

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* Tiger lilies

* red winged blackbirds

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* a refrigerator covered with toddler artwork

* a husband who not only loves me, but thinks I'm hot!

* Quickie, who snuggled with me all afternoon

My Quickie

What I should have known all along

A few weeks ago to a realization that has made my life inexorably less stressful and more fulfilling: when I meet God, He isn't going to ask me how clean my house was. Instead, he will focus on my interactions with his creation. Was I a good mother and wife? Was I there for those who needed me? Did I turn away the angels on my doorstep?

Don't believe me? Read this:

At the Home of Martha and Mary

"Mary and Martha," Maurice Denis

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

Jesus isn't giving us permission to be slobs, but what he is doing is telling us that we have to focus on those things that are truly important. My family will always be more important than my kitchen floor. Always. So think once again about a question that I am sure you've been encountered with before: Are you a Mary or a Martha? What are the consequences and positives of your answer? Are you focusing on what is important or what you think needs to get done?

When your husband is scared

I LOVE my husband. It's a solid, quiet love. It's not crazy, shake the rafters and stare at each other in total awe love (although that does happen occasionally); instead, it's mature and happy and solid.

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For those of you who are newer readers, about 3 years ago, my husband was hit by one of those huge passenger trucks while he was riding a moped. He was going straight through a green light, the truck didn't yield and turned left directly into him. He was thrown 20 feet and his lower left leg was completely shattered. He was rushed into emergency surgery to reconstruct the bones in his leg and after 6ish hours of surgery he emerged with many plates, screws, stitches, and skin grafts holding his leg together.

His recovery was incredibly bad. His pain was impossible to control and he spent 2 weeks in the hospital and a month in an aftercare facility. It took him months after that before he could walk anywhere; we still have a wheelchair ramp going up to our front door. But very slowly he improved to the point that he could walk with a custom leg brace and a cane.

Then 6 months ago he started to fall. For no reason his leg would give out and he would fall out. Several times a week. And it hurt a great deal. A trip to the orthopedist revealed a large bone cyst in his knee and severe arthritis. He needed a knee replacement but the regular orthopedists had no clue how to do it.


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Enter Dr. Bruce French, trauma orthopedist extraordinaire. CT scans that he ordered revealed that Tim was missing a significant sliver of bone in the middle of his lower leg. The plan was to remove all of his hardware, do a bone graft, and then once that healed (time frame unknown), he would need a knee replacement. Tim wanted nothing to do with this. The pain that he had experienced before was too great. He would be above the pain and continue with life.

Until 2 weeks ago when he heard a pop in his leg, swelling in a new area (where there is a plate) occurred) and he could no longer place any weight on his leg. For the past two weeks he's had to lay in bed. And go out of his mind with cabin fever. At an emergency appointment with Dr. French on Friday, he finally agreed to surgery, and will go under the knife this Wednesday.


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To say that he is stunned is putting it mildly. He is terrified. He keeps trying to convince himself and me that he doesn't need the surgery. But then the pain returns and his leg gives out. And he realizes it has to happen.

When I heard that surgery was going to happen, I wanted to pick him up and hold him like a baby. I wanted to take away all of the fear. I prayed to turn into that nurse in Harry Potter and be able to give him a horrible tasting medicine that would grow his bones back. I felt useless and like I should be able to do something to make t all better, but I couldn't. Have you ever received news and were immediately struck by total exhaustion? I was at that moment.

For the last two days I have been in cuddle my husband mode. I have been holed up in the bedroom with him just to be with him. I don't want him to be alone. I want to do everything I can to keep his mind off of the upcoming surgery. I want to take his fear away and embody it, to deal with is pain, to give him respite.


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Then I realized that he has God for that. Paul told us in God's good word "Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Corintians 4:16-18) No matter what Tim experiences in this world, it is all transient, never everlasting, and the things beyond life will be more glorious and brilliant than we can ever imagine.

Still, I hope this operation makes his time in this life less painful and much more bearable. Because when your husband is scared and you love him more that you can ever say, what more could you wish for?

Remembering my Thank You's

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I've been thinking a lot lately about parental love. How two cells grow to thousands, the baby is born, and this switch turns on and immediately you are in love with this new creature that you've never seen before. As a mom, I had the added bonus of watching William move around in my belly, felt him kicking my kidneys and bladder, felt occasional hiccups, and had immense changes occur to my body. After 7 months my body was done, I developed pre-eclampsia, and William had to come. I only got a passing glance before he was taken to the NICU, and I didn't see him for another 36 hours. I wasn't allowed out of bed and he couldn't see me. Those were an excruciating 36 hours. But then I went to the NICU, I saw my baby, and I was instantly in love. Just like that.

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What sort of amazing power is this love that we feel for our children? We can be totally indifferent to other's kids, and then ours enters the room and that love explodes. It's like a switch in our brain that God has equipped us with.

I can lay for hours at night looking at William sleep. If he's sick, I'll stay up all night holding him so that he feels better and is cared for. I may be sleepy the next morning and cranky to everyone else, but I know I'd do it again in a second. This love gives us the yearning to do everything to keep our children safe, to make them feel loved. It makes the trivial moments in our kids lives feel amazing. It's what gets us through school choir concerts and soccer games in the freezing rain.

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Can you imagine Abraham when God told him to take his only son, the one that he and Sarah had waited so many years for, the boy that Made Sarah laugh with disbelief when she learned that she was pregnant in her old age, the boy that all of their love and pride was centered on, the one that would carry on Abraham's legacy. Can you imagine God asking Abraham to give Him Isaac as a sacrifice? I always wonder if Abraham initially thought, "Umm, not gonna happen, Big Guy." That's what I would think.

And then He takes Isaac up to the mountain top and lays him on an alter and does exactly what God had asked of him. He raised his knife, preparing to take the life of his only son. God stops him just in the nick of time and supplies a lamb for the sacrifice. Isaac had been a test of Abraham's loyalty and devotion. And Abraham passed.

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I have to tell you right now, I don't know if I would pass that test. My love for my children is too deep. I'd rather give myself, as I'm sure many of you understand.

God will never ask that of me, though, because He did exactly what he had asked Abraham to do with His only son - led Him to the slaughter as a sacrifice for us. I would imagine, as God is all powerful and is The Everything, that He felt love for Jesus that as a human, we would have no concept of. Huge, encompassing love, joy beyond the confines of our earthly understanding. And yet He gave His son for the lives of mere people, who are so unworthy, many of which couldn't give a damn, all of whom will disappoint and fall short of deserving such a gift.

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Stop and think about that. And take time to thank Him for what He's given us, the sacrifice that He made as a parent. My piddly human mind cannot conceive of the width and breadth and power of that gift. And yet there it is, free for the taking. All we have to do is receive.

Always remember to thank Him and remember that should nothing else ever seem good or right, you have been given the Greatest Gift of All.

Taxi Driver

Yesterday was my "mom as cabdriver" day. Will goes to speech, then get chicken nuggets (the boy would live off of them if I let him), then I run home, pick up Kendall's skating gear, then pick her up from school and get her to the rink. I run after Will for an hour in the rink (I never get to see Kendall skate), and when we finally leave, Will throws a fit because he is in love with the video games there. Then I get to go home and make dinner. Except yesterday I felt like crud as I had caught Will's cold. So Tim made TV dinner panini for him and the kids.

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I remember reading somewhere that if stay at home moms actually got paid for everything they do, their income would be around $150K. That sure would be nice! I know that many of you, like us, are going through a period of financial uncertainty, so it sure would be nice to have that SAHM salary!

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Tim has always known how to live on a budget. He's always been blue collar, never had the high paying job, and really can squeeze water from a rock. I, on the other hand, lived the high life when I was a physician. Ate at the expensive restaurant, bought clothing I would never wear, and couldn't budget to save my life. My income made me totally independent from everyone. It also made me feel like a bit of a big shot and may have swelled my head a bit. Because when the income went away and I suddenly wasn't the big money kahoona, I didn't like it one little bit.


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I believe that God has put us in this place in our lives to teach me that I am not independent from Him. That he provides all. That no matter how bad the money situation gets, he has provided for us. That I have to put pride aside and accept help from his people here in earth if I want to provide. That God IS the provision, and all things come through Him.


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It took me a LONG time to get there, but I finally believe that He will provide for us. I don't worry so much when a bill that we weren't expecting comes in the mail. I know that our family will have food and a place to live, and we'll even be able to afford little extras, like Will's chicken nuggets on Wednesdays (and mommy's mocha latte to go with it). It has calmed me considerably to believe this, to know that He is carrying us. We truly have an awesome God.

One of Those Days

So my day started as One of Those Days. I should let you know that I have been hit with the doldrums in a big way. This morning, I woke up, promptly got peed on by Will (ah, the joys of motherhood), and decided it was time to lock myself in the bathroom with a magazine and a steamy hot bath.

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I got caught up in my magazine. It is the September Vogue - 20 gajillion pages of fashion - and before I knew it, the bathtub was overflowing. I looked at the floor and it didn't look all that wet. So I went back to reading about NYC's Fashion's Night Out.

About 10 minutes later, I am roused out of my fashion revelry by frantic knocking on the door by my husband. "I have to get in!!! Unlock the door! The basement it flooded and I have to figure out why!" SO I look at the floor again, and this time I see water all over the floor. Lots of it. And my husband it still hysterically telling me to let him in.

So in my calmest, most chastened voice, I answer, "Well, um, Tim, you see, the tub kind of overflowed, and I think that's why there's water in the basement."

"The tub overflowed and you did nothing about it?!"

"Tim," at this point, my irritation is beginning to show, "I didn't know it was that bad! If I had known it was that bad, don't you think I would have done something about it?"

"Well, all I know is that the basement is all wet and now you're telling me you overflowed the tub and you didn't even clean it up??"


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So I got out of the tub, feeling totally like a 5 year old who is being scolded by her dad, and grabbed towels and sopped up the (very wet) floor. And I opened the door and threw a towel at Tim because there was water leaking into our bedroom.

"Thanks for making me feel like a child!" I yelled, slammed the door, and got back into the tub. I'm sure Tim rolled his eyes. He rolls his eyes when he's frustrated.

I'm here to tell you that this could have been handled much better. And I'm not talking about how Tim handled it - I'm responsible for the words that come out of my mouth, not his. He was just trying to figure out why there was water filling up the basement.


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So, after I got out of the house and cooled down a bit, I went to the Bible. I needed to put some sort of positive spin on this whole experience, because, I gotta tell you, when I'm not doing well depression wise, I can turn into a pit viper. I don't like being a pit viper. I like it when people say "Oh, that Erin, she's just the nicest!" What I found had nothing to do with an overflowing bathtub, or even treating your husband with respect and treating your wife like Christ treats the church. But I love it.

Psalm 133
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

2 It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.

3 It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

David had his issues. We could start with a certain woman bathing on a roof, David getting a major jones, and sending her husband into the front lines of battle assuring his death. Yet David recognized that God's blessing is bestowed upon all of us, covering our heads, faces, and collars like anointing oil, giving us life forevermore. And through Christ, all of those rituals of the Old Testament that David had to go through to assure his atonement were washed away just by our belief and love for Him. That love for him then seeps out of us, like that pesky overflowing water, touching everyone we encounter. Our love for Christ gives us the opportunity to wash others clean.

"Awaken me from my sleep
And open up my weary eyes
Move me from my complacency
And bring my soul back to life

Won't You take this heart and mind
And help me to believe?

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean"

Shawn McDonald
Wash Me Clean


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I would be totally remiss if I didn't thank Christy for featuring my "Puff Balls" notecard on her blog Just Thinkin' in pictures. Her blog is chock full of inspiration and gorgeous photos and I'm honored to have been one of her chosen artists.

Majestic

This world that our God placed us on is a pretty amazing place. What are the things that make you take pause, fill you with wonder, that make you catch your breath?

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One of the greatest privileges of my life was also the source of the most amazing moments I have encountered. As a pediatrician, I was called to attend many high risk deliveries and c-sections. As parents, we rarely get the opportunity to hold a baby the moment it is born. I never took those moments for granted. Newborn babies aren't pink and soft. They are covered in blood and a cheesy protective covering and are often blue. But then you start to dry them off and rub their backs and they take that first gasp and HELLO WORLD! Eyes open in bewilderment, shrill, but beautiful, cries come out of tiny mouths, legs that have never stretched out suddenly pop straight, hands stretch open (because we do a lot of stuff to irritate them - it's all good; it helps them breathe and become alert). And then, once all the measurements have been taken, the Vitamin K has been given, and the baby has been wrapped tight, a second wonderful moment - introducing the parents to their new miracle. What a privilege to be part of such a moment of intimacy. I do miss that.

Though they pale in comparison, there are other moments that stop me in my tracks.

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As a child I fished in a rowboat with my grandfather whenever I could. The whole experience was magical to me - the lap of the water, the herons swooping overhead, and the water skimmers - I would watch them more than my bobber. But the most extraordinary moments occurred when a damselfly decided to perch on the end of my fishing pole. These iridescent, fragile appearing beauties that usually flitted by would decide to grace me with their presence. I was lost then. I cannot see a dragon or damselfly without thinking of grandpa.

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I have been fascinated by the moon forever. As a child, I could not get over the fact that no matter how far we drove, the moon always followed. And I loved the man in the moon. That face made me happy. Now I marvel over the fact that our moon actually has that face, that human face, on it. That it controls the ebb and flow of the oceans and is instrumental in the gravitational pull of the planet. This dusty rock circling our planet, this luminous satellite, will forever fill me with awe.

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My husband is fascinated (FASCINATED) with lightening. I don't imagine it takes much explaining for anyone to understand why. The sheer power, from little bits of static electricity coalescing, is extraordinary. Have you ever been near a lightening strike and felt the change in the air, smelled the ozone, and watched the hairs on your arm stand up? While I'm not advocating trying to get near a lightening strike, I can attest that it is an experience you will never forget.

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What can I say about a rainbow? God's gift, the sign of His first covenant with us, is incredible. Imagine hundreds of years ago, before physics and chemistry, when a person looked at a rainbow, what must they have thought? It is a visible representation of the majesty, mystery, and miracle of our God.

And I've only scratched the surface. The aurora borealis, birds in flight, tornadoes, herds of buffalo, I could go on and on. Keep your eyes open to the majesty that surrounds you. And remember to thank the One that gave it to you.

The Mountain Climb

I've had a difficult day. It's left me deflated. And tired.

Every once in a while I am reminded by someone,
whether by that certain glance or the quick look away,
by the gossip mill, which MEANS well, you know
however it happens
that people haven't forgotten that I did something Bad.
I.Got.In.Trouble.
And I shouldn't forget it, little Missy!



I am a woman who is digging her fingernails into the side of the mountain,
trying to climb back to the top
who has cried from the stress and strain of it
who, at one time, thought about giving up
but got braver and started to climb again
and who occasionally thinks I might see the summit

And then just like in a James Bond film
someone comes along and cuts my ropes.

And I fall a little, but never as far as I did the last time.



You see, I've been developing mental muscles from all of that climbing.
I didn't cry this time, which is great progress.
I thought about what I know of myself Now
Not then, when everything fell apart.

That My Savior Tore The Veil
That he hung on the cross and took away all sin from all times
That he sacrificed himself so that all people could experience

REDEMPTION
FORGIVENESS
HEAVENLY LOVE

and my favorite

AMAZING GRACE



SO to all of the haters,
remember what your preacher taught you last Sunday
(I know a lot of you go to church!
This is a pretty small town after all)

And regardless of ropes being cut and crampons being removed
even though this climb is taking a Long Time
I plan to reach the summit
I have God as my mountaineer.


All photos from We Heart It and Flickr

Dealing With It

These last few days have been really difficult for me. I've been lethargic, depressed, on the verge of tears constantly.I miss Sonny, but my level of grief seemed so out of proportion to my life relationship with him. Then I realized that every time I thought of Sonny, I thought of my grandparents. I've been grieving my grandparents.

At the time my grandfather went into hospice with lung cancer I was on bed rest with pre-eclampsia and sciatica in both legs. Two days later, at 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I was in the delivery room being induced for severe pre-eclampsia. I had a seizure on the delivery table. Will was born and, for a 34 week baby who had been exposed to magnesium for 24 hours, was very healthy. But he was a preemie and headed to the NICU while I headed to the Intensive Care post-partum unit.

My grandfather's hospice was next door to the hospital. He was within walking distance, yet I couldn't go see him. Relatives kept me up on his progress and sent me messages, but I NEEDED to be at the bedside of the person who was my best friend, my buddy, the person who filled my heart. And I couldn't be.

I was in the hospital for 1 week after delivery - I was ill. I was sent home and told to go back to bed rest until I was seen by my Ob/Gyn. The next day, we brought William home. I begged my husband to take me to Grandpa, but both he and I knew that I wasn't healthy enough and a hospice isn't a place for a preemie. I received a call from my cousin who told me that my grandpa asked if the baby had been named after him liked I'd always said. When she told him that his name was William Howard he smiled and slipped into a coma. The next day he was dead.

I knew that all eyes would be on me at the funeral - I was the favorite, and he was my guy. I did everything I could to keep it together. I didn't cry much. I left him a letter in his casket telling him how much I would miss him. Then I went home and took care of my preemie, which took up all of my time.

A few days later, our dog of many years died. I kept it together for the kids. I was also dealing with the knowledge that Tim would be leaving us for a while and I had to prepare the kids for that. I was in crazy exhausted pumping supermom overdrive.

1 month and two days after my grandfather died I got a call from my dad that I had to come to the hospital, but to not speed to get there. My grandmother had died instantly of a massive heart attack. I went to the ER and entered a room filled with my family and my beautiful grandmother, bruised from IV's, skin torn from a monitor, looking like she was asleep. She looked peaceful. I remember handing Will to my aunt, walking up to my grandmother and kissing her on the cheek. I stroked her soft silver hair. I held her fingers, slightly gnarled from arthritis. I touched her lips that had kissed me so many times. And I didn't cry. I was in too much shock. I had been at her house with Will and Tim two days before. She had held Will, counted his toes, kissed his forehead. We talked for a few hours. Now she was dead.

I broke down a bit at the funeral. Everything that had happened over that last month was just too much. But I had a new baby, I had a family that I had to be strong for. We gathered one last time at my grandparent's house to box up everything and it was over.

Except for when I think of something that I have to call grandma about. Or when I know the bass fishing will be good and my grandpa isn't there to do it with me. Or when I want to hear their voices in my ears, not just in my head. I miss the way my grandmother's skin felt and my grandpa's soft, wispy hair. I miss my grandmother holding me. I miss that the most. To say that they were like parents to me is a severe understatement. They helped raise me. They helped me form a moral compass and held me up when I needed it. They were amazing people.

Last night I was crying, and Tim said to me "you feel like a piece of yourself is gone, don't you?" and I had to say yes. I told him he's just going to have to give me some time to get through this because it's about time I deal with my grief. I've grieved so many things over the past few years, but not one of the most important things of them all. It's time to deal.

Is there something that you need to grieve but haven't? Maybe you think you don't have to. Maybe you think you have to be strong for those around you. If there is something in your heart that you have been holding there, I urge you to take it to God. He will help you lighten the load.

Morning

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word



Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass



Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

lyrics by Eleanor Farjeon

Photos from We Heart It and Beauty In Everything