Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Waiting is the Hardest Part

1. It seems there are a lot of Veggie Tales fans out there - this give me hope for the world.

2. Thank you again for all of your support. I am done with PHP and in an aftercare group. I'm much more right in the head. Lots of deep breathing and just accepting things as they are. I learned that one of my core beliefs is that I think I am responsible for the happiness of everyone around me. Well isn't that just a set-up for failure?! Anyhow, thanks so much, I'm going to try to blog more frequently now though I'm not sure I can do it every day as I'm trying to find more freelance gigs, too. And there's the photography and the crochet and just being a mom.

But I'm BACK!

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And now for the meat of the post. My daughter was a witness to an OMVI case at a race track. I had to take her to court today to witness in the case for the first time (there are 3 - yes, 3!!! -more dates in this case). She was So Nervous, being all of 17, a good kid, never having to partake in something like this. It wasn't like any court case I've ever been involved in. We had to wait in the lobby and everyone was called in individually to testify. Kendall was first.

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They called her name and my anxiety set in. They didn't let me go in with her. She had to testify without her mommy. So I prayed over and over "Lord, surround her in your amour. Give her courage, strength, intelligence, and maturity. Let her feel you holding her hand, giving her strength." And I texted my hubs to tell him she was testifying and to pray for her. It seemed to take forever! But then, there she was, alive, all parts intact, telling me about what they asked her. She told me at the end, she leaned over to the judge and asked, "Did I do all of that right?" and the judge smiled and said she did great.

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I'm proud of her for her maturity. The whole thing Killed me - the wait while she was gone what unbearable. Sometimes, when she is acting like a snotty teenager or giving me that "I can't wait till I'm 18 and out of here!" line I think "Well good riddance to you, too!" But it's not true. Someday, she's going to be out there in the big world on her own and she'll be gone much longer than those minutes she was in that courtroom. Then what? And then Tommy and Collin and William - I'll never have time to do anything for all of the prayers of protection I'll be doing!

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So I suppose it's not the wait, it's the letting go. How do you let go to those you've nurtured and protected and put your life into? I'm starting to have to do it, and it's not easy. Which is why I'm going to hold on for as long as humanly possible.

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13 comments:

Michelle said...

Accepting things as they are is not always easy. Neither is letting go of our offspring. Our oldest has been out on his own and presently lives with us.
I am so proud of your daughter. I know going to court must be nerve-wracking. I'm sure she'll continue to do fine.

Char said...

accepting that you're responsible for only your own happiness is a tough lesson - good for you that you are making these steps.

i'm proud of your daughter too - big hugs for you.

Roxanne said...

You're such a super awesome mom. I know it'll be tough to see them grow up and move on, but you get to know it was YOU who showed them the path. I'm super happy you're feeling better and my heart goes out to your daughter; I had to testify once, against someone I knew and it was incredibly tough. She must be amazingly strong to face that.

Zabrinah said...

Great post.

Veggie tales were my favorite thing for so long!!!

I love the theme of acceptance.

:)

~Zabrinah

Wende said...

Oh, I feel this intensely. Our son is almost 14 and is our only child. I have told myself every day of his life, "Someday he will go... make the most of it." I can't say I've always been successful, but I am hoping that the self talk will keep me from being one of those stalker moms who follows him to college. :D In all seriousness tho, it's heartbreaking when I think about it. Such a balancing act to hold the reality that he's on his way out and that I am going to be letting go more and more and more.

Blessings to you, friend. Ousta!

beth said...

i'm so proud of your daughter....

both of my kids are out of the house...we are empty nesters....but since they both live no more than 10 minutes away, we see them often and it's a blessing to watch them figure out this world we live in.....

Ashley J. said...

We are some veggie tales lovers! Way to go with all your "treatment" stuff. you are such a deep person, and you're so loved. You daughter is a lucky kiddo!

Myrna R. said...

Erin, so glad you're committed to your own growth and happiness.

I can relate to your resistance to letting go. But all our progress in life seems to involve letting go. If we cling, we don't allow life to unravel freely.

Glad you're feeling better. Your daughter sounds awesome.

Claudia said...

so glad she did well and i agree - so difficult to let go...my 19 year old over in la paz - i really miss her - but i know she's doing great and she's growing now without me..which i good and i'm a proud mom

Jill said...

All the best.

Amy said...

Oh, Erin, it's been too long since I stopped by. I discovered you during August Break and was a regular visitor for a while, but then life got busy and crazy and I barely managed to do anything in the blogverse at all... But here I am again, having perused all the things I missed, and I want you to know that I think you are wonderfully brave for being so honest about your troubles, and that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Huge hugs to you, for whenever you need them.

Jingle said...

charming post.
love the timeless images.

Pamela Holderman said...

wonderful post! Yes letting go is so tough. Our oldest pretty much went away to college and never came back and got married and is in Princeton. So I did my best to herd our youngest to a closer college. He just pops in when I least expect it and the older one calls most days. So you never stop worrying... I think moms are wired that way. And just when you truly let go they start wanting to talk to you more, and loving them as adults is really very fun - it's the best!

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