Friday, September 10, 2010


So I've been struggling all day trying to come up with something wonderful to write about. A good list. A questionnaire (someday, I'm going to do Proust's, but I don't want to think that hard right now). I started thinking about how we were all princesses of a most high king and got this great picture of a cute girl in a tiara in my head - then nothing.


I'm pretty far gone. I don't know how I got this bad, but it's bad. I broke down and called an Intensive Outpatient Program for depression (ie, I probably should be in the lock-up unit, but I really don't want anything to do with that) today, one that I've been in before. I have an evaluation Monday.


My brain is so gobbeldygooked. I can't concentrate, I can't have simple conversations with people. I was trying to alphabetize something today and had to give up. Tim has had to do all of the housework because I'm not doing a bit of it. I'm just getting up, getting dressed, and watching inane things on TV like "Flipping Out" (and I gotta tell you, no matter how bad I get, I'll never be as crazy as that guy) and reruns of seasons of America's Top model that I've already seen 3 times. And the wanting to cry over everything goes without saying. I listened to Adele's version of "To Make You Feel My Love" 21 times today. Really.


I don't want sympathy; that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing it more because this terrible disease can come up on you and turn you from a Nobel Laureate Neurochemist into a blathering idiot. Who has served their children chicken nuggets and cereal for all meals for the last 3 days. And is becoming enthralled with "The Kardashians." If you find that you fit this description, maybe you should find your local Intensive Outpatient Program, too.


My husband thought I shouldn't write today. He said not writing was okay (I know that) and I looked exhausted (again, always am) and I should just keep watching "Cake Boss." But I wanted you to know what was happening with me, especially if I start writing about positive affirmations and mandalas and start sounding like a hippie psychologist. So that's what's up. May or may not write tomorrow. But don't worry about me disappearing; I'm a bit hooked on this blog thing.



Oh, and I thought I'd share the lyrics to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" with you

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away


Kelly said...

Big hugs! I like to watch the cake boss too :)

Sarah @ Mum In Bloom said...

Oh Erin I'm so sorry. Here's a big hug girlfriend and a cuppa tea. Get away from the tv and go for a walk..even if you don't want to. Get your blood flowing and the positive stuff will get into your head a bit. Grab a book instead of the tv.. I just finished "Life Amoung the Savages" by Shirley Jackson and laughed my a** off :) Take care xx

Unknown said...

God Bless you! I have been where you are, and it is a struggle to keep the happy face on some days still. It sounds like your husband is supportive and you are determined to fight this dreary presence in your life. Find the sun when and where you can, and focus on it.

Mary Kay said...

hi -- i just happened over to your blog and i have been reading over some of your posts. i hope you do not feel alone in your depression. i am clinically depressed and it does suck everything out of you. i have not been able to work because of it. i know we do not know eachother at all, but if you need to talk about it and want to know that you are not alone, please send me an email ar not for sympathy but maybe to compare notes or just talk. sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger.

p.s. just so you know i am not in the habit of doing this.

Pamela Holderman said...

Oh Erin, I have not stopped by in awhile and your post took my breath away... so sorry you are in the yuckies. They have come to visit this house many times and are hard to get to leave once they are encamped on your doorstep. I will be praying for you and consider yourself getting a big hug right about now.

beth said...

no sympathy, since you asked for none. but here's my hand...let's take a walk and find a place with fizzy drinks and laugh at the bubbles in our noses and then we'll go and lay on our backs and see what animals we can find in the clouds. i know we'll see a bunny. there's always a bunny.

Jennifer "Madame" Perry said...

Erin, Thank you for visiting Memoirs Of A Misanthrope. I am your newest fan. If you read my story you know that 5 yrs of job hunting are doing a number on this gal.

Glad I found you, hold on. Glad you're seeking help and can share. I know you feel like the picture you posted of the teddy bear.
I'm embarassed to let even my closest friends know about my depression.
Sending Corgi Love.

Birdie said...

I've found when I am depressed (not clinically so, just run of the mill) I actually DO like mandalas. Something very soothing about the pattern and creating something beautiful with very little effort. Thank you for the follow and I hope your appointment is productive.

Tashia said...

Hey Erin! Thanks for stopping by my blog and becoming a follower! I've been in your shoes before. Hang in there, and I agree with Sarah @ Mum in Bloom, you should read a book. I just finished Eat. Pray, Love and found it to be very theraputic. You should pick it up if you haven't already read it.

And P.S. Jeff Lewis is super crazy, but insanely funny!!

ZippyChix said...

Hi Erin, Thanks for stopping by to visit the ZippyChix. So sorry to hear you are feeling low. When we at ZippyChix central feel down in the dumps we thrive on "zippy"(girlfriend) therapy and usually try to find a new activity to engage, eating plan, exercise, woman's group, weekend away(no kids), and one time we decided to start a blog:) Stay Light and Breezy girl....this too shall pass.

Brans~Muffin said...

Loved all your pics and The Boss is the Beast!

Unknown said...

Hi Erin!

I completely understand where you're coming from since I've been there and it's good to get it out there. It's helps you realize that you are NOT alone.

I love your are so REAL and genuine and just keep remembering that about yourself. I've read just a few posts in the last few minutes and I can tell this already! That's what makes a great writer!

I agree with Tashia...READ. If anything, it takes you into another world. I'm reading EAT PRAY LOVE right now and I think it would do you wonders to read it right now. The author suffers from depression and if you've ever had that problem, then the book will hit home.

Take care and hope to hear from you soon!

BigD said...

I hope your appointment goes well. You sound like I was about 2 years ago. Seeking help was the hardest part! It's like reaching for an unseen life preserver. I'm with you in spirit!

Wende said...

Oh Erin... holding good thoughts for you as you slog through this thickness. Glad to read you're finding the right kind of help!

Mama's Viewfinder said...

Hugs to you. I actually just went to my doctor yesterday to talk about anxiety issues. Mine aren't too bad, and I've just acknowledged them. Hopefully I can work through them, as will you.

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