Monday, April 5, 2010

Be Still

At church this Easter, during prayer
a friend came up to me.
"I have something I need to tell you.
You want to be on the mountaintop.
but you can't figure out why you can't get any closer to it."

This was exactly what I was praying about.
The words were different, but the intent the same.

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I've spoken on here about spiritual stagnance
of feeling stuck.
I harbor a lot of guilt and shame
About a particular incident from my past
After the incident I went into a downward spiral
My faith took a nose dive

Since then, I've been trying to creep back off of the mountain
but it seems like two steps forward, one step back.
Frustration doesn't even begin to describe what I've been feeling.

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I went to church yesterday, the day the Lord rose
the day that reminds us that we were ransomed in his blood
the day of profound forgiveness
full of the same guilt and shame I've been harboring for years.

Time to pray.
My friend talks.
"I feel like I have to tell you that you are loved
that God has you in this place for a reason.
That he wants you to stop and breathe.
That you were forgiven the day you were born.
You need to stop and be still."

Be Still and Know that I am God.

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I left church feeling raw and fragile and naked.
Like I needed rest like I've never had.
Knowing that I had to forgive myself.
Knowing that I had to accept that God has a plan for me,
even if I don't understand it,
even if it isn't following my own time frame,
even if the execution isn't easy and a lot of days are difficult.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of this.
So I'm going to try my best to be still
and enjoy the view from where I am.

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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear One I just had to stop and leave a comment. Many years ago I struggled with forgiveness myself and finding peace with my Lord. Luckily, I had a wonderful Godly woman who I went to and poured out my heart (via email as we were living in different states at the time).

This was her adivce to me...
"Sometimes when we have confesseed our sin it is difficult for us to 'let go' of it. Our heart continues to condemn us and that is when I go to I John 3:18-20 'Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.'

That means when I do what is right (I confess my sin; I choose to walk in the light; I have fellowship with the Lord) then my heart cannot condemn me even though legally there is a reason. The blood of Jesus has cleansed me and God is greater than my tattling heart; He is greater and sets our hearts at rest in His presence. So when I cannot forgive myself God does because of Jesus' blood."

Those words were comfort to me. I believe the bible is true, it says I am forgiven, that He has a perfect plan for my life so I decided to believe what I sometimes did not feel in my heart. Then I began to dig into God's word and discover what it said. I began an "Elizabeth Journal" (suggestion from another friend) and began recording all God's promises into it. I wrote down David's words from Psalms, Jeremiah's words (written during one of the worst periods in Israel's history) and began to retrain my thinking. When days were hard, I went back and read the words written by MY Lord for ME. You see my feelings are fickle, but what I know to be true isn't based on my feelings.

Anyway, it has been a long process...I still dwell in His word and study and surround myself with Godly women. I say no to many things so that I can say yes to my Lord. He has been teaching me much, has much to still teach me. There are moments when life is hard (going through one of those now), but God is faithful and loving, just and forgiving.

May you dwell under the wings of our Lord, seeking His comfort and shelter. ~Elizabeth

Erin Wallace said...

Elizabeth - thank you, thank you for this wonderful comment. For reminding me that God HAS forgiven me. That this is one of His promises. I'm a bit teary now, after reading your comment four times in a row. Thank you so much.

Kathy said...

Sweet Erin, who I love so much even though I haven't met you and only just started reading your blog,know that when we ask God's forgiveness he swoops in and forgives us straight away, rmeoving our sins as far as the east is from the west.

I have had things in my past that have condemned me and that I could not shake. Let me encourage you that though I still remember them God is faithful and they are no longer a burden to me. Sometimes (and this was key for me) you need to confess your sin before someone who is mature and trustworthy in God, becuase then they confirm your forgiveness and it breaks the power of the enemy to come back and condemn us.

No matter what you have done or didn't do, it is not as bad as the enemy would have you believe. In God's eyes, all sin is the same, it is the enemy and people who grade sin according to size.

Forgive yourself, forgive others (own it: don't say "help me to forgive..." say "I choose to forgive..."), confess your sin, thank the Lord for his forgiveness, and put on the armour of God so that having done everything you may STAND! Ask him to refresh and strengthen you with his spirit.

You are blessed and you are a blessing. Kathy xxx

stringsofpurls said...

Dear Erin,

"You are loved with an everlasting love." That's what the Bible says. "And underneath are the everlasting arms."

God forgives the sins that we confess to Him. He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. The Bible says-Romans 8:1 says, "There is no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit."

The blood of Jesus covers all of our sins. the memories of the past can haunt and cause worry. But we are not to worry. It is fact is a sin. One thing that is helpful is to change the way you think. Memorize a portion of scripture, something comforting. You see, it is impossible to think about two things at one time. The word tells us to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." so when these haunting thoughts come to you, recite and meditate on God's words. "Thy word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against thee." As you begin to draw close to God, this will become easier. He died on he cross for you Erin, once and for all. The enemy would love to rob you of the joy of knowing God deeply.

Have you ever read the Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom? It is a story of people that trusted God, some well, some not so well, but though trials their faith was refined. God used Corrie after tremendous trials and her words ring in my ears after reading her story, "There is no pit so deep, that he is not deeper still."

Love you. Wish we could have coffee. How far is Marysville from Cincinnati?

MommyNaniBooboo said...

That was a beautiful, honest post from a beautiful being.
That is all I know.

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